Welcome to the world of parenting styles, where the Authoritarian approach takes center stage. I'm Tajamal, your guide to understanding the dynamics of this unique parenting style. In this exploration, we'll delve deep into what it means to be an Authoritarian parent, the characteristics that define this style, and how it impacts both parents and children. So, let's embark on this enlightening journey into the realm of Authoritarian parenting.
The more authoritarian we become the more pressure we put on the more they resist so if we want to discipline kids we actually have to make them our disciples and the disciples is not somebody who's afraid of you decide for somebody who loves you and wants to belong to you and follow you that anything that you do that undermines the relationship with the child will actually undermine the child's development because it makes the child insecure and most psychologists and pending experts will tell you time out in other words what they're telling you is withdraw the relationship from the child as a way of threatening the child but what have you taught her you've taught her that the relationship is conditional.
That they're only acceptable to you if they please you just the opposite of what any loving parent wants to teach so that the psychology the parenting psychology and this culture has become anti-child when it comes to my relationship with my children is that first lesson of happiness is the greatest gift I can give them yeah um those first seven years are very important actually the first seven years are crucial.Ii would say the first three years are the nub of it. I always say to people you get the first three years right you can relax if you don't get the first three year right you'll be practicing remedy or parenting for decades and what does screwing it up look like how would you know well first of all you'd know because there I’m with my son and I’m not finding rest in it so I don't know how to be there with him.
I don't know how to be there for him and I was like that i was always waiting for my kids to grow older when I could intellectually engage them and now we'll have something in common but the sheer act of being or the sheer state of being I could never achieve with them and it's interesting because I look at my brothers they're so wonderful with little kids they're so spontaneously there for them.
I never knew how to do that because the real relationship doesn't depend on words it depends on the capacity to be with and I can sense just that energy from you I’m just here with you yeah and I’m here and I welcome your presence right and I welcome you to exist in my presence and I’m overjoyed to have you in my presence right that's what the child needs from the parent and that's communicated with body language and everything and to the energy that you exceed and they can feel it they can absolutely feel it.
They can't name it but they can feel it okay and that already starts changing their personality right there that shifts their personality they always say that mothers form a different bond than fathers is that just another way and anachronism mothers foreign different bond but only because mothers are present with their kids whereas the fathers tend to visit the kids.I mean you know the father goes to work typically and then visits at home for a couple of hours and then takes off again next morning those fathers who stay on with their kids they learn how to mother their kids so it's not a gender issue it's a relational issue and and the mothers allow themselves to be trained by the kids whereas the fathers tend to impose their own expectations on the kid this is not universal.
I'm talking by and large so those fathers who have the good fortune like in the civilized countries where parents are given paternity leave those fathers learn to relate to their kids in a different way than the average father somewhere else okay we can be trained but we have to be present for the training in our culture the children have a need to attach they need to connect with somebody because without that connection they don't survive and in the hunter-gatherer bands where human beings evolved those attachments were with adults and not just one adult or two adults but with a whole set of nurturing adults learn our culture.
We've deprived the kids of the parental presence for the most part and a child's brain can't handle an attachment void where there's no attachment figure and in the absence of the parent or the nurturing adult the child will fill that void with the peer group now kids become far more peer attached than is healthy for them and now peers become their models and their mentors and their templates for how to be how to walk and how to talk and as that happens the kids push away from their parents because they're more a lot more minded to belong to their peer group which is different values from the parents and the kids brain can't handle that competition so the brain of the child will actually choose the peer group over the parent group and where that goes you can see on Facebook and you can see it in the teenage gangs and you can see it in the increasing frustration of parents who've lost a part of parent because parents think that their part of parent comes from their the fact that they have the responsibility and the strength and the wisdom it doesn't come from that the part of the parent comes from the desire of the child to belong to you when the child is driven to belong to the peer group because we've taken him out of his natural context we lose the power of the parent what we do then we ratchet up the pressure we become more authority we lose the authority so we become authoritarian and the more authoritarian we become the more pressure we put on the more they resist and now we label them with opposition of defiant disorder and we call them obstreperous and bad and naughty kids. all they're doing is acting out their attachment dynamics so if you want to discipline kids we actually have to make them our disciples and the disciples is not somebody who's afraid of you decide for somebody who loves you and wants to belong to you and follow you so discipline is the very opposite of punishment.
First of all you realize that the most important template in fact the essential template for the emotional development of the child as well as for the brain's healthy physiological development is a nurturing relationship with mutually responsive adults that is the template for physiological brain development and healthy surgical development psychological development that means that anything that you do that undermines the relationship with the child will actually undermine the child's development because it makes the child insecure and kids in state of insecurity are in defensive flight or fight mode in which mode they don't learn anything they just are defending and so that every time i use the relationship against the child so I have a two-year-old who's angry and most psychologists and pending experts will tell you time out in other words what they're telling you is withdraw the relationship from the child.
As a way of threatening the child and that threat will make the child comply with you well the child may temporarily comply with you but what have you taught her you've taught her that the relationship is conditional that they're only acceptable to you if they please you furthermore you've taught them that relationships are unstable and unreliable and they've learned that you're not available for them when they're most upset because why is he acting out why is he showing a tantrum because they're frustrated about something because they're angry about something because they're unhappy and you say to them when you're most unhappy that's when I’m least available to you and this is how parents are taught to be parent furthermore parents are taught not to pick up the kids when they're crying let them sleep it out just utterly noxious because the child who you don't take up right what lesson do they get their emotions don't matter that's the lesson they get just the opposite of what any loving parent wants to teach so that the psychology the parenting psychology and this culture has become anti-child.
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